WE'RE NUMBER 1!

At the end of their championship celebrations in Gainesville, Florida, Heisman-trophy winning, two-time BCS Champion, two-time SEC Champion, circumcision expert, King of the Philippines, and quarterback Timmy "Superman" "Don't Make Me Gator Chomp You" Tebow proclaimed that he would return to the Florida Gator football team for his senior season.

Shortly thereafter, Percy "No Mercy" "I'm Faster Than You Even At 90%" Harvin and Brandon "Your Team Is a Joke" "There Is No Catchy Nickname That Can Describe What It Is Like When I Hit You" Spikes also announced their intentions of staying in Gainesville for their senior season.

In addition, all of the six and seven-star 2009 Gator high school recruits also announced they would stay with the Gators.

Unfortunately, after Tebow's announcement, Florida did lose one QB recruit from the town of Smallville, who was expecting to start as a true freshman.

What was even more shocking was the announcement from Coach Urban "The Urbanizer" "No, Not Suburbanizer Or Womanizer" "I Love This Team" Meyer that he will increase the salary of the forementioned players by 30 percent.

When first questioned about this salary increase, a surprised Meyer just said, "We're No. 1, you guys can go figure out the rest."

College football reporters have often speculated that at some point the Florida Gators, as well as the USC Trojans, would raise the pay salary for top teir players, but most dismissed it as crazy talk. However, with the embarrassing collapse of the Big Ten and Big Twelve conferences this decade, the SEC is the only true top-to-bottom power conference remaining in the FBS, and in the West, USC has been a Trojan man among boys for the past eight years.

There are also unsubstantiated rumors neither confirmed nor denied that the 2009 Florida Gator football team will be granted additional benefits that include; allowing teamates to sleep through their clasess, suppling internet porn in the athletic dorms (Buckman Hall and Thomas Hall), allowing unlimited visitation to the Yules, and allowing all team members to take all exams online (a.k.a. Florida State.)

Calls to the Florida Gator Football Public Relations desk went unanswered, as the voicemail message simply said, "Due to recent events, we are currently replenishing our stockpile of Gatorade and will return your call as soon as we can. Go Gators!"

HAVE A GREAT YEAR - SEE YOU IN AUGUST!